Control Freak. Who Me??

My lovely friend Foxglove. <3

Apparently I'm a control freak. I guess I knew this, at least partly, but now it's been made very, very clear to me. I'm kind of a crazy person when I don't get my way. No not kinda, I'm a lunatic actually. And quite frankly it's ridiculous. I really, truly am aware of and realize how ludicrous my thoughts, feelings and behaviors are when they're happening...but curtailing them when they're happening is a totally different subject- and I'm working on it- really I am.

So, what has shed light on my recent "full blown control-freakiness"?  Well, it's really been mostly the usual, being an ever-evolving entrepreneur coming to the end of a season, easing in to another hoping for new ideas, inspirations and offerings, being newly engaged dealing with wedding planning which seems like it should be fun (everyone keeps telling me this "You should be having fun!!") no pressure though right??! while I really haven't had a day go by where I haven't sent/received an email made a phone call or have had someone ask or tell me what they think about something about the planning since the day I got engaged on July 3rd, on top of moving from Dover to Newmarket from a house we didn't have permission to do much to ie: paint, refinish etc, to a huge duplex where we can do anything we want to (yay!) but feels like dirty hippies ( hey no disrespect I love hippies...) lived there for the past 10 years and did absolutely nothing to keep the walls, windows and cabinets from crumbling in on them, so that even if we didn't want to get creative with the place- it quite frankly isn't an option to leave it as is, so I'm preparing to live out of boxes for awhile longer as even the closet space needs spackling and painting to make them even remotely usable.
----Okay, okay, I know!
All of these things are very exciting, happy, joyous things! I know, I know this! And believe me I am trying my darnedest to stay in this mind set for as long as possible. But see... then the other Amanda creeps in and starts FREAKING OUT! "Should I redo my website again? Run old classes? New classes? More clinics less clinics? Same programs? New Programs? Online classes? In person classes?" and then "I want to paint NOW get spackling!!! I need to clean the floors! Sweep the deck! Get this shit out of boxes! I can't find my damn hair comb!! Where is the remote??!! Bahhh!! My feet are black from the filth- where are my flip flops??? Aaron where's the paint!! Let's get cracking NOW PLEASE! Love you honey.....:):)" and finally "I don't want to hear about wedding etiquette! If  my friends and family are going to be offended by anything I do or don't do according to tradition and seriously take offense then they don't know me AT ALL and if I have to fill out one more form about my name, my new name, my email, my mom's email, my mother in law to be's email, my husband to be's email, name, how many groomsman he's having how many bridesmaids I'm having and all of their emails, where the wedding is, what the "feel" of the wedding will be just to try on a wedding dress or have my friends try on dresses I'm gonna lose it!! (oh, I did finally find my dress though! Yippee!) or talk to a caterer who tells me we need "servers" for a BBQ style buffet (what don't you understand about a BBQ buffet??!! Paper plates, serving spoons, food- done!) So much for trying to keep a wedding simple!"

Again, this is all silly, silly, toxic, ego centered chatter. I know this I do. And this is why I'm sharing this with you all. Because we all have our crazy moments and I want to let you know that I'm right there with you and recently I think I've been having crazier moments than most. And this new awareness of the crazy control freak lady that has been living inside me but has waited until now when a few more things have been thrown at me has really decided to make herself known. So what to do, what to do.

Before I share with you what I've been doing to curb my insanity, I wanted to also share with you how it has been affecting me physically. Because as you know, there is no disconnect between the physical, mental and emotional bodies. What happens to one, affects the others- no joke.
When I first starting learning about alternative medicine and herbs, in classes when the importance of digestion was brought up, we didn't just talk about the physical mouth to anus transit of food and excretion of  physical waste but also the digestion of our life experiences. We looked at how we process things that happen to us on a day to day basis. Can we take experiences in, access what is useful and helpful to us, absorb them and then let go of the rest? Or do we hold on to everything the good and the bad? Perhaps we feel we don't know how to process our experiences at all and feel helpless letting go of all of it?  Well this can often be reflected in how our day to day digestion shows itself.  Those of us who tend to hold on to things, or perhaps try to control things a bit too much tend towards constipation.  Those of us who feel at a loss and perhaps that we have no control with some of life's experiences have the opposite physical digestion and tend to veer toward loose stools and quick bowel movements and diarrhea.  And then there are those who go back and forth between control and lack there of and experience imbalances like IBS. There are lots of symptoms of imbalanced digestion and the mental emotional states related to them, but you get the general gist.
So, can you guess which "control freak Amanda" was experiencing in her gut?? Let's just say, I was trying to control IT ALL. I could not relax and surrender at all. I was holding it all in. Guess when this all started? On my first wedding dress excursion when I visited 7 bridal shops in 3 days straight and probably tried on 25-30 gowns with no luck feeling so completely unlike myself with all of the wedding hoopla.  Don't get me wrong! I am beyond thrilled to be getting married but I was never the little girl who dreamed of her wedding day & the Cinderella dress she'd wear. So it all felt overwhelming & foreign.  I attempted to "control it" as best I could and of course with no success. Oh, and did I tell you that I have an enormous disdain for anyone who tells me what to do? Ha. Well, yes I do. I have a problem with that. Not very conducive  to wedding planning. Lol. See! Full of faults! Here I am!!:)
So anyway, the constipation & bloat lasted almost a full week till my digestion was back on track.....until a few weeks later when.....I had ANOTHER bridal gown appointment! LOL! On top of this appointment, my dear sis was in town visiting and staying at our apartment that was in shambles from packing getting ready to move.  The symptoms continued...lessoned when I realized I found my wedding dress, increased when we began moving our things from point A to point B and now - litterally just now have calmed down after night 3 of being in our new place in Newmarket. Coincidence? I think not.

So, I'm certainly not settled in Newmarket yet, but it's getting there...I've found my wedding dress and am truly ahead of schedule as far as planning goes, and I'm writting a new blog post for all of you LTW fans... so the crazy lady is taking a breather...And a breather is truly what all craziness needs. There's nothing new about the power of breath, It does wonders. Here are some other helpful tips that have at least kept me off the complete and total "crazy train" this past month. You may find them helpful too...

1. BREATHE. Especially when you notice the "crazy" has come out. Just go sit in the bathroom and breath. Or, if you really want to kick and punch something like I sometimes want to do, a kickboxing DVD is awesome for this:)

2. AFFIRMATION AND MANTRA: "Controlling" our thoughts and our crazy train brain is half the battle. I find that creating an affirmation ie: " The only constant in life is change." " Go with the flow", " I surrender to the flow of all life and know that all is well", " All I really know is that I know nothing"  are super helpful.  These are just one's that come to mind that will calm my "crazy train brain" but you can make up your own. You just want to make sure it's something that calms you when you say it to yourself. \
The Sanskrit sounds of "OM" (it empowers all & dispels negativity and helps us to be open to positivity) , "SHAM" (instills peace and calm to our minds) or "RAM" ( dispels negative energy, is protective and calms anxiety & fear) are also very calming for me. They don't have to be said out loud to be affective you can simply say them to yourself.

3. ESSENCES: Flower essences are one of the most amazing remedies I've had the pleasure to work with. They are similar to homeopathics as they are "vibrational" in nature. They have an affinity to the emotions. So by taking essences either right on the tongue or in water in your time of need- you can often be calmed in an instant! There are many, many varieties of essences. Bach is the most mainstream brand even found at the Hannaford now. The one's I'm taking right now are Foxglove and Lobelia. Foxglove is for me to remember to play and have fun with life and Lobelia is so I will put away "the whip" from myself and others:) Essences are wonderful and versatile- check them out.

4. WHOLE HERBS: Since I was having bloated belly issues I worked with Yellow Dock Root & Licorice Root extract taken daily in water to aid as a gentle laxative as well as peristalsis strengthener in my gut:) Generally speaking using herbs like Dandelion root, Burdock root, and Yellow Dock are very supportive for elimination and liver support.  If you veer towards diarrhea however you can skip the Yellow Dock and add Raspberry leaf instead.;)  Getting on a good probiotic (yogurt doesn't count) is also very helpful for happy digestion.

5. AROMATHERAPY:  Don't ever underestimate the power of smell. Pick your favorite essential oil that calms your mind...Mandarin? Lavender? Rose? Cedarwood? It doesn't matter what anyone or any book may say about the eo's that are specific for "calming" the mind. Go with what calms YOU. Then get a little vial add some sea salt and a few drops of your essential oil, cap it and keep in your pocket. Sniff as needed when you need to chill.

So there you have it. My confession as an imperfect crazy train rider who is still growing, and evolving as best she can, along with some of her favorite "helpers" of bringing her crazy train to a halt...for the time being anyway:) It's a process. Thank goodness I'm starting my yoga teacher training next week. I need the extra meditation time!
Thanks for tuning in:) xoxo

P.S Everything I share on these posts are for educational purposes only:) If you have questions or concerns about how to use herbs properly please ask your doctor or contact me anytime:)

XO AMANDA

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I Made It! Well, Almost...

And this is why I write this blog. Because I'm not perfect. Because I also struggle. Because I want to share my authentic, real, raw experiences with you- without pretending that I am able to walk my talk 24 hours/7 days a week and without any sugar coating.
Health is an ever evolving path for all of us. There isn't one answer for any one person, and each person's experience will be very unique to anothers. I'm just letting you in on mine.
So, what am I trying to get at?? I'm done panchakarma. No, it's not day 9 yet. Day 9 went out the window when I started to include peas to my kitchari on day 6- lol. And well, last night as I was sitting with my mom watching Revenge (love that cheese!) I realized that I was done- not with the whole cleanse, but definitely with the kitchari. The thought of having to eat kitachari for 3 more meals turned my stomach & interest in eating completely off- and just down right depressed me. So, I made an agreement with myself that I would finish the basti, external oleation, yoga & meditation and let my self eat the healthy breakfast of my choice this morning. And so I did. And man, was eating breakfast a magnificent expeience. Fire crackers in my mouth I tell you! My senses rejoiced. Ahhhhhh.
So, there you have it. I made it to day 8 ish. And although I felt guilty about it at first, especially about disappointing my students and peers and you, I realized that I needed to tune into my own body's wisdom and let it make the call. I always preach, and believe deeply that the state of our spirit and our mind reflect and influence our physical health deeply. So, last night when I thought about even having to look at another bowl of kitchari again and it made me want to forego eating all together and  also made my spirit litterlly sink- I thought- wait a minute. Cleanses are not about tortouring one's self and trying to force yourself to do things you don't want to do anymore. I can be very black and white about things sometimes- can you tell?! So, I just let it go.
Day 1-7 were great! My mind was calm, I was mostly enjoying the kitchari, felt nourished and supported and felt confident that I could finish the last day. And then the end of day 7 came and my mind changed it's mind. And that's okay. I also would like to interject that the last two days were spent at my parents house (where I do my gardening & wildcrafting) otherwise known as " Land of Delicious Food Teasing You From Around Every Corner". I know, not an excuse, but certainly didn't help me out:)
I mentioned being over kitchari on facebook last night and one of my students commented "You are not encouraging me to attempt this cleanse at all!" I hope that's not really true. Although, I can't say I blame her. I am just being completely honest about the struggles I personally face when I do this cleanse: ghee then kitchari. Some of my peers LOVE the kitchari and eat it on a regular basis- ON PURPOSE!! And others say they love drinking the ghee and that it feels so soothing and nourishing to them. When my sister did the cleanse she struggled with drinking the triphala tea, where that really doesn't bother me at all. We are ALL SO DIFFERENT. So please, don't let my experience discourage you from attempting a cleanse of your own. I just want to be real with you. And honestly, I can be dramatic at times- I'm not gonna lie about that:) So, maybe I'm just a baby! See for yourself! If' your intrigued- try it! This cleanse could be a piece of cake with you! Give it a whirl! What is there to lose? You can stop anytime- you're the boss:)
The bottom line is that I CHOOSE to continue to practice this cleanse just about yearly.  And that says something more than anything else. And it's because I know it's benefits and I  know how great I feel when I'm done- even if I skip a few days- why else would I do it? And I have to say Ayruveda hasn't been around for 1000's of years for nothing!:)
Speaking of benefits I wanted to share something else with you that surprised me. This particular panchakarma felt  really good, but didn't blow me away as others in the past.  I felt clear headed, had steady energy, the cracking joints I sometimes experience lessened greatly, the floaters in my eyes lightened and my skin got clearer ( although I noticed that my rosy cheeks showed up again when I added salt into my kitchari for more flavor- interesting), but I must say that in comparison to the panchakarma's in the past it was the least remarkable. BUT I'm gonna take that as a good sign that my body didn't need as much cleansing this time as I thought- yippee!
I forget that the reason I found Ayruveda was because I was sick- pretty seriously sick. And when I was introduced to panchakarma I was "all in" to do whatever I needed to do to get better- I was in a time crunch and on a mission.  I think having that mind set and not knowing what to expect had me set up a lot differently. Where I am now, having been practicing health & wellness  seriously in my own personal life since 2005 I am in a much more solid and healthy place. When I was having my health crisis I really didn't think about my food choices up until then and certainly not healing herbs like I do now. So when I first experienced panchakarma it was pretty miraculous. And all of the changes I saw and experienced were pronounced and obvious. I am certain that it played an enormous role in what helped me to heal.  This time around and the other panchakarma's since have been for maintenance and prevention- which is as good a reason as any but- perhaps with less obvious results??
Looking back, knowing all I know now about tongue analysis and facial analysis I wish I had taken before and after pictures BACK THEN because, I honestly don't see any differences in the Day1 picture I posted in the first blog and today's- infact I think I look more tired around the eyes in this one! LOL! Here I was hoping to blow you away with super obvious changes and I was especially hoping to share significant differences to my Ayruveda students this Thursday at class, but alas, not much to show.
But even without outward physical evidence, I FEEL and I KNOW that my mind, body and spirit is happier, functioning more smoothly and truly like I've gotten a "tune up".
Now I'm really ready for spring!  Thanks for being my witnesses and tuning in! Now it's your turn! (nudge, nudge :)) xxoo

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Day 5 Panchakarma

Day two of eating Kitchari, drinking ginger tea, warm oil massage, taking triphala at night and continuing with my yoga & meditation practices.
So, how am I doing? Eh. I'm doing just fine. I'm totally over the kitchari already but I know it is serving my insides well, so I will press on. I have to say that my mood is staying pretty stable for the most part and I think the daily meditation has an enormous part in that. My skin is already looking much clearer and less "rosey" as is my normal "inflamed" (ie: sugar & dairy lovin') complexion. I was incredibly proud of myself for persevering through the ghee part of the cleanse as that seems to be my biggest feat. So, in some ways the "worst" is over. But 3 more days- that's 9  more meals of kitchari- and I won't lie, I've already broken down and added peas and a bit of coconut to the kitchari for dinner tonight. My belly is so much happier and I've reminded myself that cleanses aren't about torture. So I will eat it plain when I can and add veggies as I need to, otherwise I may stop eating all together! That's what I get for being so die hard about cleanses. At least I didn't eat a spoonful of hummus or peanut butter or stuff a dill pickle in my face like I've been wanting to every time I open up the fridge to grab a lime for my ginger tea. So I'd say I'm doing pretty darn good.
It's so funny because it really has nothing to do with really wanting hummus or peanut butter or pickles- I just don't like being told (even from myself) that I CAN NOT  eat this or that.  I'm not a fan of being restricted from what I WANT in general I suppose. So again- it's a battle with my ego and the brain.
Tomorrow basti starts. Don't worry I won't be giving you any details about that:) Thanks for listening....xo

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Dead Things

Halloween, or Samhain actually means "summer's end" or the end of the harvest time. It's a time when traditionally there would be huge bonfires where people would dress in costume and throw some of their fruitful crops into the flames as a sacrifice to the Gods in thanks for the bountiful season.  People also wore the costumes as a way to honor their Gods, to honor loved ones who had passed, to aid in the release of any souls that were "stuck"  in the earthly plane or that were held in the bodies of animals waiting for a release. Finally the costumes were used to hide from any malevolent spirits that may be lingering about as it was believed- and is still believed by many that this time of year, is when the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead become the thinnest.  November 1st or sunset on the 31st was celebrated as the New Year- the beginning of Winter. So really this celebration was a ritual in cleansing out the old to usher in the new- from Summer to Winter.

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. Growing up I loved being able to "be someone/something else" for a day. To be transformed, disguised as something maybe I always wanted to be or perhaps something that was the complete opposite of my typical self- or both. I have always loved and been drawn to vampires, horror stories, creepy unsettling movies, and all things unknown, mysterious and seemingly unexplainable. Halloween captures all of those things rolled into one and I adore it.
I was talking about Samhain with my friend Dee at the office today and she brought something up that was obvious, yet I hadn't really recognized. Halloween is really about honoring the dead, holding a place for the dead and then releasing and saying goodbye. This got me to thinking about the word "dead" in a completely different way. Thinking of the dead, not only as loved ones and ancestors that have passed but perhaps parts of ourselves as well. Thought patterns, beliefs, ideas, cultural "norms" we take on, maybe even old past experiences or traumas we may be holding on to can be looked at as "dead" parts of ourselves that we may be holding onto that need releasing.
After having another an amazing session with my sister the life coach extraordinaire this week, I realized that I have a lot more of these "dead things" looming around me than I thought. And I am clearly holding on to them- for no good reason. That's the thing, most of us don't realize- we are holding on to them and that they are taking up space in our lives and possibly having a lot of bearing on how we are living in the world. I want to take this even a step further! What about habits, people, jobs, situations & relationships that "deaden us", keeping us from our reason for living- to be happy and joyful???  What do we want to let go of? What isn't serving us? What is keeping us from being our best selves? What is holding us back from choosing that happiness that is sitting there waiting there for us? Facing some of these things may be scary, of course, but just like Halloween, we'll get spooked at first, but then we'll realize what a silly costume or movie, or haunted house or idea about our selves it was after all and we can say goodbye- for good this time and once released we can make room for things that make us feel alive and passionate!
So, this Halloween, before I get dressed up in my costume, I'm going to write down a list of things, ideas, thought patterns and memories I'm ready to let go of- and then I'm going out on the town and soaking up the wonders and crazy, chaotic, freeing energy that Halloween brings me. And when I get home, I'm going to take that list and burn it. And when I'm washing the make up from my face in the mirror and changing into my pajamas, I am going to imagine that each layer of make up I wash off and every article of clothing I remove, is one of those things on my list that I am detaching from myself, letting out of my brain, my being and giving a final nod to, and then sending away- into the Halloween ether-  into those other realms where they can be released and transmuted back into space- where they will be better served too. And then, when I wake up- I will start another list for next year, lol. Goodness knows I can't get rid of all of my "dead stuff" this Halloween:) Happy Halloween to all!  I hope you have a marvelous one, however you celebrate it:) <3

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