It Takes 21 Days to Break A Habit......Hmmmmmm I dare to disagree.

Alright, day 25 today and I have to say it really hasn't gotten any easier. I was pretty boastful last post when I claimed that I only thought about cupcakes when I was cranky or had waited too long to eat. Well, those days are over. It's not like I am thinking about sweet goodies every second of the day or anything, but I am definitely thinking of them. And as far as really missing fruit- sure I miss it, but screw the fruit! Where are the cookies and Caramel Soy Macchiatos??!!
So, clearly on day 25, I have not broken my habit.  Because habits are of the mind. The overindulgent, pleasure seeking, greedy mind. I had been hopeful at first, that my new found understanding that sugar was the devil, would keep me from wanting it in the same way I had before this cleanse. Well, the new found mind set stuck around for awhile, but not for very long. I mean how important are our adrenals anyway? Just kidding. That's the sugar beast talking. The beast I fear will rear its ugly head again as soon as I indulge in sweets. Well, they do compare sugar addiction to heroine addiction in "Sugar Blues" and I believe it. I was truly hoping that at some point my consciousness would rise above the sugar and just simply not want it anymore. Well, if that day is to ever come, it won't be happening anytime soon. But, I suppose when you've spent 30yrs. creating a habit, maybe it takes just as long to break it.
Also, I have a confession. I slipped. It was just a little slip. But it happened. I was out eating Indian Food with my bf and you know how at the end of the meal they bring you that little dish of fennel seeds and some have that multicolored sugar coating? Well, we were paying the bill, I saw the little dish, and just like that I took a spoonful into my hand and popped those sugary fennel after dinner "mints" into my mouth. In fact it took me a good five minutes to realize what I had done. I gasped and said to Aaron, "Why didn't you say something!? I just ate the fennel candy!!" Of course he just gave me a look that reminded me that firstly, it wasn't his responsibility to keep me in check and also that I was being silly. Plus, he just plain hadn't noticed. Then he playfully, and encouragingly said "Your were just reminding your body-  See body!  This is bad for you! You can't have this!" I just sighed. I know, I know, you all are probably thinking how silly it is too- but this is just an example about how serious I am about this cleanse! It was a totally unconscious knee jerk reaction to having eaten at Indian food restaurants all of the time. Because believe me, if it had been conscious, I would have aimed higher- like a mango lassi or masala chai! But see, that's just it, it wasn't conscious. And that was my epiphany of the week.
Consciousness is really what it's all about-what everything is all about. If we took the time to really be aware, really be present, really be mindful of every little thing that we did- we'd all be making better choices. And that's not to say that any past choices we've made were bad ones. I am a true believe that every choice made is always the right one, no matter what, they're leading you on your own path- even when it doesn't seem that way in the moment.  But, if we were more deliberate, more thoughtful, more present about how we lived each moment of our lives, I think we'd all be a lot happier, healthier and more grateful for our lives and all  of the wonders in them. As small a thing as popping some fennel mindlessly into my mouth is,  it really just made me aware of how "robotic" we can all be sometimes. We all have our routines that we go through every day. We don't think about them. Sometimes these routines are comforting to us in a way because we don't have to think about them. And because we are talking about food- just think, how many of us actually take the time to sit down, three times a day to eat. And I don't mean shoveling your food into your mouth "sitting " in your car or cramming something in your mouth as you are emailing clients from home before you leave in the morning or on your lunch break, "sitting " in front of the computer. I mean really truly sitting, enjoying, savoring the (hopefully delicious) food you have made for yourself. Yes, yes, I know most of us don't have time. Time. It's a funny thing. It seems that we make time for things, people & events only when we really have to. So,why is it we can't do so when it comes to taking care of ourselves? Hey, no finger pointing here! I am just as guilty as the next person.  But it makes me wonder, if I did take the time to cook 3 delicious, balanced, healthy, satisfying meals for myself, that maybe, I would finally beat the sugar demon within and never want cane sugar sweets again? I don't know, it's a stretch but  it's just a thought.
Well, five more days to go, and then what? I fear that the moment I give myself an inch with sugar indulging I will get sucked down into the downward spiral again. But my hope and my intention, is that if and when I decide it's the right time to indulge in some delicious sugary treat, I will do so with presence and with consciousness.  And when I sit down to enjoy my treat, I will do just that. I will leave guilt at the door and I will taste every blissful morsel fully and it will satisfy me to the core, so much so,  that perhaps the next  sugar craving I have won't be five minutes later.

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Breaking Up With My Pal Sugar

Since I've been studying herbs and integral forms of health for, almost six years, I've experimented a lot with my own health and well being. I suppose thats how it goes. I certainly wasn't born into a healthy lifestyle, so I've had to work my way into it. Getting into herbs and health was completely by accident and revolved around health issues of my own, (I won't bore you with the health details now, but if you are curious you can visit my website and get the story there. So, since I've started my practice I've experimented a lot on myself, because I know there is always room for improvement and I wanted to find out what was best for me. Since I was taught and firmly believe that we are only as healthy as what we put into our bodies, I have tried lots of different "diets". I've been vegetarian for 15yrs, which really was just a random experiment early on that wasn't even about health per se. It was actually for a school project. But it stuck, and I didn't miss meat at all so, I just never went back. By the way, you can still be incredibly unhealthy and have a vegetarian diet... believe me! But as I began to realize more and more how important diet was and how every person digests and experiences foods differently, I did some conscious experimenting:  I was vegan for a year, followed ayurvedic lifestyle for awhile, tried juicing and "raw" foods,  eliminated dairy, wheat- and now, most recently sugar. Ah, yes my sweet, sweet friend, sugar.
Sigh.
Here's some important history about me and my old friend sugar: Growing up I lived predominately on Pringles, Coca Cola, pickles, nachos, Peeps, Steak-ums, Pillsbury Orange rolls, potato chips with sour cream dip, Toaster Strudels and RiceARoni. My family and I bonded through food- actually, we still do.We went out to eat at least once a week sometimes twice. Pizza Hut, Friendly's, McDonald's and the Hilltop Steak House (but that was for special occasions). Even now when my parents and I get together it always revolves around food. We are just a family that loves to eat. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that. My family, like most families just fed us what was on the market, because it was what people were eating, and why would it be sold if it was bad for you?
 I think part of the issue for me was the emotional attachment I had/have with food and especially sweets. When I was having a bad day, we'd go for ice cream sundaes, when I was having a good day we'd make cupcakes, when I was sad we'd go the candy store, when I got a good report card we made brownies. Everything I did good, bad, happy or sad = food. Especially sweet food. I still struggle with this habit today .When I'm cranky I want a "treat". When I've had an awesome day I want to reward myself with a "treat". So basically every day of the week I think I deserve a "treat".
In ayurvedic medicine (the 5000 year old nature based, lifestyle/health and healing  system that began in India- so cool check it out!) flavor is very important. There are 6 major tastes: sweet, sour, salty, pungent, astringent and bitter. Sweet is said to be made up of the elements water and earth. The energetics are heavy (think of earth and water mixing: mud), moist, soothing.  These qualities are very good for soothing inflammation and irritations in the body, as well as moistening dry tissues. The mental/emotional effects of  "sweet" in small doses is comforting, loving, supportive, nurturing, or lethargic, apathetic, despondent in excess. In Ayurvedic medicine, when "sweet" is spoken of, it's almost never cane sugar or pastries. Sweet is found in yams, corn, berries, nuts, dates, grains. But in American culture sweet= cane sugar. When I learned this it really hit home for me on several levels. I mean, just think about eating a big piece of cake with sweet vanilla frosting and washing it down with milk curled up on the couch watching your favorite movie! What is more comforting than that? But then how do I feel after indulging in another piece, and another? Nap time/sugar crash.  Well, consciously or unconsciously that was how I saw sweets, how I used sweets, how I became addicted to sweets and I would continue to be so for 30 years.
It wasn't until very recently that I really admitted to myself that I had a sugar addiction. I was talking to a friend who is in AA and was sharing with me that one of the women that is part of her AA group was going through many health issues. My friend said, "Just because you drop one addiction ( that being alcohol) doesn't mean you won't pick up another,"- those being coffee, Coca Cola and sweets for her friend. It was in that moment that I said to myself "That's you too Amanda!" Just because I never struggled with alcohol, or drug abuse, and  didn't  even have trouble having coffee once in awhile without becoming dependent, I had never thought of myself as an addict- but I am. Sugar and I have been BFF's my whole life, I just hadn't seen it as an addiction because sugar is not considered a drug. Later that same day, my boyfriend mentioned that he wanted to give up something for Lent and how whenever he noticed he had a weakness for something he liked to keep it "in check" by going off of it for awhile. Well, there it was again: "Sugar, Amanda! Sugar!" And it was in this moment that I realized that with all of the different cleanses & diet changes, I had never actually taken away ALL sugar. Sigh. This was a sad moment for me. A very sad moment. BUT, I decided this was the time to do it. I knew I had to face the demon and see what happened.
 Since I was a fruit fiend too, I decided to go cold turkey- no sugar in any form at all for 30 days. I know that natural sugar isn't bad for our bodies, its actually very beneficial because of all of the minerals and vitamins- but since I even go overboard with fruit, I thought it was best to go clean slate. And since I was still allowing all the veggies I wanted, I knew I'd be getting natural sugars there. So this meant no cane sugar of any kind, no honey, agave, maple syrup, brown rice syrup or fruit.
Now it was time to warn my friends and family. See, when I do cleanses or fasts of any kind, you want to stay far, very far away from me. Food is an emotional crutch for me- take it away and out comes a monster!
On the day I started "de-sugaring" (Feb. 21st) I also started reading the book "Sugar Blues" by Willam Dufty. This book is a real eye-opener. It's actually a pretty old book which is surprising- I would be scared to read an updated version. This book goes through the history of sugar, where it started, how it started, how people got hooked and how we continue to do so. There are chapters on the history of diabetes, and how even witch craft and the witch burnings were tied in!  I'm still reading it (I'm a slow reader :/) But it has been a really huge tool for my process.
I have always known in my head and especially as an herbalist and health practitioner, that sugar is a stimulant. But, because sugar is such a weakness of my own, I never really focused in on it with myself or even my clients. When I think of stimulants I immediately think of caffeine or other drugs. I've never really put sugar on that list. If you don't know about stimulants, what they actually do is tax your adrenals. According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, we are each born with a reserve of "jing" or vital life force that resides in our kidneys and adrenals. Once it is used up - that's it. We can supplement to try to get that energy elsewhere, but once our individual jing is gone, its gone. Sugar, caffeine and other stimulants stimulate the adrenals to release more and more of our life force energy until we use it all up!  And here I was thinking that I was being good from abstaining from caffeine, and keeping my adrenals safe, where really I was doing the same exact thing only with sugar. And we all are- conscious or not. Unless you are looking at every single label of every food you take into your body, you are eating cane sugar, whether you are eating a cookie or not. Sucrose, high fructose, evaporated cane juice, sucannat, Florida crystals, turbinado sugar... it has many names and many guises, and if you aren't looking for it, you are getting fooled like the rest of us. Ketchup, peanut butter, milk, juice, crackers, bread, salad dressing, soup, trail mix, salsa, corn chips, tomato sauce... it is in EVERY THING.  We could actually go through our entire lives never indulging in cake, ice cream or woopie pies and still be eating loads of sugar- and that's the way many food companies want it! (more on that in "Sugar Blues"if you want details).
So here I am 17 days in to my "cleanse" and I haven't killed a soul yet. I have had a couple of moments- like going out to breakfast and really wanting pancakes and instead getting a very unsatisfying tofu scramble. Or sitting in a bakery watching my sister and mother eating eclairs and cookies while I sipped on my coconut water- yeah, I almost lost it that day. I'm finding that my most vulnerable times are when I am super hungry and have waited too long to eat, and when I'm just feeling cranky. Those are the two times where my mind immediately goes to cookie and cupcake thoughts. But otherwise I've just been missing fruit- which I can't wait to eat again. 
This process has completely changed the way I see sugar and treats. And I really have to thank "Sugar Blues" for that. Between hearing about the history of the sugar cane industry and coming to terms with the fact  that every time I eat cane sugar I am taxing my adrenals, I won't ever look at a cupcake the same way again. And it's still kinda sad. When I was talking to my sister about it she said " Wow, its like finding out Mom isn't your mom." I laughed because she is right. I have been so incredibly addicted and dependent on sugar my whole life, I've been in such denial.  But I am really happy I am doing this. I can't say that I am personally feeling huge changes in my health, although my skin is clearer, eyes brighter and I have a stronger awareness of how sugar has been ruling my emotional self. And I guess that's enough for me. Hey, still 13 days to go!
It's my hope that I will now look at cookie like I would a cup or coffee, or a glass of wine. It will be a once in a while indulgence, for celebrations and special occasions, not just because I feel like it. We'll see how it goes... I'll keep you posted:)

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